Every Time We Talk

Every time we talk, I always get this mixture of feelings, feelings that’s so hard to describe.

For me, you’re still the same person I used to know, so passion about your works, and being so warm to everyone around you. It seems like you are so close to me, for I can still relate to you, because you’re still the same old you I remember.

Every time we talk, I feel glad that there’s someone at the other side of the world still recognizes me. It’s been three years since I left, and a lot of people that I consider best friends of the time, probably don’t remember my name anymore. What’s left are only the old blogs we used to share, memories of the past, and empty promises that we once tell each other we will accompish together. But, you, at least you, maybe the only one, still remember me. It doesn’t matter if it’s only five minutes, ten minutes of talking or just one hello, you warm up my heart.

Every time we takk, I always get this mixture of feelings that cannot be described.

Looking through your blog, it seems that you are enjoying every minute of you life, ready to face new challenges. Whereas me, still defining my position, trying to run away from the obstacles in front of me. You set the model before me, and I sometimes feel jealous, because I know, I’m never going to be as good as you.

Every time we talk, you seem like you are one step and one step further away from me, from the place where everyone first started out together, and now you are so far ahead, far beyond where my hands can reach, far beyond where my eyes can see. Remember the first two month of school, everyone in the class, begin our journeys from the same starting line. However, as the journey continued, I got trapped by the midst, trying to understand who I’m really am, and then you pull me out. As the journey continued, I lost my way, wandering in the past memories I cannot get by, but you showed me the direction. And now, when I'm trying to look for you, you’re just too far…

Although you give me all these feelings, but
Every time we talk, I smile with joy, because I know, you’re still my friend.

For Your Forgiveness

For some reason, after coming back from the Yosemite trip, I began to think of lot of things. Memories from the past started emerging in the mind, tons of the stupid things I did long time ago, and things I cannot change. There was one thing in particular, got stuck in my head, it’s like a nightmare that haunted me day and night, nightmare that I couldn’t run away from. Perhaps, typing out the things that I want to say can make me feel a little bit better.

Remember sixth grade, when I was a transfer student, has just come to the new class; try to integrate into a new environment, classrooms, and meeting new friends. Honestly, comparing to the old school where I used to go, the new school really had a lot of differences. It’s probably because of these great differences, I tried extra hard to get alone with everyone. I would play the online games that they play, I would agree with what ever thing they said. Soon, I found myself becoming one of them. I guess that when the problem started.

During break time, when everybody found something to enjoy outside the classroom, there was a girl that was always alone, sitting in the seat that was at the very corner of the room, with her head down, thinking about things that we wouldn’t care about. (Everyone's seats would be at least two meters away hers.)When I first arrived, I asked my friends about it, they only said that she was dirty and she had peed in her pants for many time before I came, so they tried to stay away from her as far as possible. Later on, the teacher told me that she actually had urinary incontinence, something happened to her when she was little I could not remember. Although I know it was not her fault for what happen to her past, but I did not feel sorry for her, probably because I didn’t want to feel like the only person doing something different. So, the segregation within a class continued. Every student would not talk to her, nor even dare to touch anything that she touched. When we were collecting the homework assignments, we would purposely threw her paper on the ground, and pretend no body saw it, yet we all knew that she actually saw us. Things continue through out the whole school year. A week before graduation day, she left the school and didn’t attend the graduation neither. Nobody knew where she went; no one has any contact information of hers. She just…disappeared.

Now, thinking back at what I did in sixth grade… I just want to say sorry to her, sorry for what I did to her, sorry for being so stupid at the time, and so sorry for not doing anything to stop other people from doing it. For me, as a transfer student, I had the chance to change everything, but I didn’t… I let the unjust thing to just happen in front of me.

The first post of the blog is to her; to a person I never got to know, for her forgiveness…